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Infant Adoption Training:
What You Need to Know to Empower Yourself: Module 2: Background on Adoption

-Module 1: Introduction
-Module 2: Background on Adoption
-Module 3: Counseling
-Module 4: Wrap Up & List of Readings
The readings will be listed in both Module 1 and Module 4. They are in .pdf format for quick access.

The course texts will be in regular font. The challenges to the program's premises will be in blockquotes.

The course texts will be in regular font. The challenges to the program's premises will be in blockquotes.

Module 2: Background on Adoption

    The purpose of this module is to help you understand:
  • the history and process of adoption and
  • the importance of communication in presenting the adoption option.
  • In this module, we present background information on:
  • the concept of adoption
  • the history of adoption
  • the definition of adoption
  • the process of adoption
  • barriers to adoption

Then, we'll discuss, demonstrate, and illustrate the importance of communication in a client making a fully informed choice in options counseling.

To provide some important background information on the National Council For Adoption and Adoption Training, we're going to watch a 12-minute introductory video.

Video (Concept of Adoption) - Unavailable

History of Adoption

Adoption Timeline
Adoption is a time-honored institution whose concepts and practices have evolved greatly over time. Today, after years of research and anecdotal information, we know that adoption is a good social institution that has resulted in positive outcomes for birthmothers, birthfathers, birth families, individuals who were adopted, and those families who adopted them.

To the contrary, there are many instances and research which has determined the opposite. Please read from Joe Soll (an adoptee and psychotherapist on adoption loss & reunion) Here

Required Readings. Before proceeding read:
* An Anthropological and Historical Survey of Adoption * Key Historical Concepts

Challenges to "An Anthropological and Historical Survey of Adoption"
The first thing I'd like to point out, is the quote placed in this history,

"Children by pregnancy or marriage just happen, but once must think to adopt". -A resident of Yap.

Children don't just happen. Unless you believe in the stork tales. A child is created in quite a miracle of a situation. This line demonstrates a somewhat sublte implication that somehow adoptive parents are smart, whereas it doesn't take any smarts to create a child. Callng out these sorts of implications allows it to not be absorbed as facts, but as a long list of ways that trainings such as these brainwash people into adopting, or into placing their child.

Adoption is the institution by which children who need parents are raised by adults who are able and willing to be parents. It is not simply a human phenomenon. In the animal kingdom, for instance, emperor penguins are zealous adopters of orphaned youngsters. It is not an exaggeration to say that adoption is one of the mechanisms that species has used to survive in the bitterly cold Antarctic environment. Adoption, like the practice of medicine, for example, is a way to respond to adverse circumstances.

Most children who are adopted are not orphans. Many children waste away in foster care without ever being adopted. Orphans are children whose parents are dead. These children have parents, but many need some assistance. Penguins adopting orphans isn't the same as terminating parents' rights, sealing all documents, changing the identity of the "orphan" and raising them in another environment. Adoption is not medicine.

Skipping ahead, it is interesting how it emphasizes the helplessness of the infant, and suggests the incredibly long (forever?) a decade and a half for a human child to become a non child. This is set up to appeal to those prospective adopters who only want a child, not a person who grows up to be an adult with their own identity.

Also, this article tries to emphasize that two adults who marry are not blood related, implying that having a child who is not blood related is still family, almost like being blood related, but not.

According to this text, it only discusses foster care briefly, and indentured apprenticeships (child slavery) that they state no long exists. However, doing a search on child trafficking and child prosititution will bring up many indications that this is still an issue, and definitely relevant to the current adoption industry.

While discussing concepts such as adoption throughout science fiction books, one must keep in mind that these adoption stories were not true stories, and therefore have no historical standing. For those that are of historical fact, doesn't necessarily imply that adoption is accepted, and certainly doesn't imply that adoption as it is today would be accepted.

Most Professionals and general public recognize that foster care as a last resort, and not as an educational subsitution. Most children change schools many times, lapsing their education, have been abused, and suffered great losses. Consider reading the book, Beyond The Foster Care System: The Future for Teens

Challenges to Key Historical Concepts

Rather than repeating the Key concepts, I will simply challenge them by number.

1) Adoption is to keep power and wealth in the families who have it. It takes children away from poor people and gives them to people with wealth. It works to take children away from those who would protect them, and gives ownership to those who can afford it.
2)No other animal alters and seals birth certificates. Nor do they terminate rights or transfer rights.
3) Moses: His mother was actually his nurse, and was with him raising him. Romulus and Remus: Their uncle kidnapped the children, threw them into the river. Their father was Mars. Romulus killed his twin brother Remus and started the Fascist Roman Empire. King Arthur: Read Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley, you'll find that in King Arthur's case, as he was adopted, so too became his son, lost and tormented for being lost. In the end, Arthur and his son battled, his son died, and Arthur the murderer of his own son.
4) I hope they weren't Catholic.
5) Foundling Hospitals new name is Safe Haven
6) Forcing work onto everyone means no one is left to care for the child.
7) The over working poor were unable to care for the children
8) This was a great way to enslave children into being indentured servants to the state
9) Massachusetts passed the first modern adoption law, recognizing adoption as a social and legal operation based on child welfare rather than adult interests. Historians consider the 1851 Adoption of Children Act an important turning point because it directed judges to ensure that adoption decrees were “fit and proper.” How this determination was to be made was left entirely to judicial discretion.
10) In spite of the trains' stated intention, they did not permanently separate most children, geographically or culturally, from their parents and communities of origin.
11) Unfortunately, foster care is more often than not, a permanent situation, especially for the older child.
12) Roe vs. Wade wasn't until 1973. Attempts to open sealed records and National Association of Black Social Workers opposed transracial adoptions.
13) NCFA also gave money for this educational course
The National Council for Adoption: Mothers, Money, Marketing, and Madness, Part 1
14) The adoption agencies & lawyers now give the illusion that open adoption is great, since otherwise women would parent their children
(but its not legally enforceable)
15) It is a dramatic increase of cost for the adopters, and if a woman uses any of these services, they will be liable to pay for it, or be complicit in losing their baby, aka blackmail.
16) best interests mean child stays with natural parents. Adoption agencies and services serve adoptive parents, the ones paying for them. Openness options are not legally binding. Open adoptions can even allow adopters to use fake names. Permanency is also a lie, as adopters can place child into foster care if they are not satisfied with the child.
17) Knowledge is Power.

Worldwide Institution Among Humans

Adoption, in some form or another, has been practiced by almost every human society across time. For survival of many species, including humans, adoption is a necessity when circumstances prevent birthparents from caring for their young.

Time-honored Institution
There is evidence of adoption from very early written sources. From history to folklore to contemporary fiction, adoption is a running theme: For example, Moses and Samuel in the Old Testament, Romulus and Remus (the traditional founders of Rome), King Arthur, Superman, and Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia.

Evolved Over Time
Like the practice of medicine, the practice of adoption was developed to respond to adverse circumstances. Adoption has allowed societies to care for children through famine, war, plague, poverty, and social breakdown.

It is true that adoption has evolved over time. In the beginning, adoption was considered second best to having a child. Some children were bought to work on farms. When public relations set out to sell the idea of children as being a commodity, the rush to purchase children skyrocketed. Children were literally stolen off of porches, women were lied to about the paperwork they signed, some parents were told their child died, and some did die wasting away in orphanages. Many class action lawsuits were started by parents in the early 1900's, however, due to the lack of national laws on protecting children, many parents never found their children. To read more about the history of adoption, please check out the book, The Baby Thief: The Untold Story of Georgia Tann, the Baby Seller Who Corrupted Adoption by Barbara Bisantz Raymond, an adoptive mother for reform. The early 1900's led way to the Baby Scoop Era, and into present day, where open adoptions are the new kidnapping.

Reflects Societal Attitudes Toward Children
How a society views adoption is in large part a reflection of how they view children.

When adoption was used solely to transfer wealth, children were widely viewed as heirs. Adopted children were treated similarly to those born into the family in this regard. Likewise, in current understanding of children, many are critical of the Orphan Train movement in the early 20th Century that transported orphans from the Eastern cities to the Midwest to be adopted by mostly farm families. Critics claim they were used as cheap labor on the farms.

On farms, however, it was understood that all members of the family, when able, helped with the labor for the family to survive. So, adopted children were treated similarly to the biological children.

Significant Changes in the Past Century Mistakes have been made in the practice of adoption that sometimes overshadow adoption's many contributions and benefits. From misguided altruism, to blatantly illegal or corrupt activities and highly publicized cases involving adoptions gone wrong, it's easy to get a distorted picture of this noble institution and overlook the many benefits of adoption. Adoption practices will continue to evolve and adapt to the ever-changing needs of society, women, and children.

In the 1980s, as the number of women opting for an adoption plan decreased, there also was a sharp increase in the number of families wishing to adopt children. Adoption agencies began to maintain long waiting lists as the number of potential adoptive families far surpassed the availability of children. Adoption practices became more standardized, with in-depth counseling and a trend towards more openness, influenced in part by the demands of pregnant women who no longer wanted a traditionally “closed” adoption and who now had other choices if the adoption could not be designed to accommodate their individual needs.

To counter some of these claims, please read a true historical account of adoption in Academia, and peer reviewed journals: The Adoption History Project

Current-Day Practices

In options counseling, it is important to define adoption in a clear and accurate manner so that the pregnant woman or teen understands her choice.

Should be Option, as she has not yet "Chosen" adoption

Legal Definition
Adoption is a legal process in which all parental rights and responsibilities are transferred from one set of parents to an individual or couple who has agreed to assume those rights and responsibilities.

This statement assumes there is "another" set of parents, should state, transfers from the mother and father to ..."

Values-based Definition
Adoption terminates the rights and responsibilities of the biological parents and transfers them to the adoptive family so the child can become a full and permanent member of the adoptive family.

Adoption doesn't terminate the rights, parents sign consents to terminate the rights, and a judge approves it. Adoption is not necessarily permanent, but the termination of rights has been historically permanent, meaning, the parent does not regain custody.

While the "legal" definition of adoption focuses on the fact that it is a process, the equally accurate values-based definition focuses on the potential concerns of a client considering adoption.

This values-based definition allows a young woman who chooses adoption to move on with her life with the knowledge that she has fulfilled her responsibilities to the child and that someone else has taken those rights along with the responsibilities so that the child will have full and permanent membership in a family.

Adoption is not necessarily permanent, and a legal process does not allow a mother to move on. The child almost always feels as though they are different from the family who adopts them.

For women who choose adoption, this definition provides a sense of peace that the child has been transferred into a family and that he will be taken care of as if he were born to his adoptive parents.

There is no such thing, as if born to, despite legal process. Also, most women never find peace after losing their child to adoption. They always wonder if the child is okay. Some suffer infertility. Some commit suicide.

Child-centered Definition
Adoption is a means of providing caring and responsible parent(s) for children who need them.

Just because a family passes a home study doesn't guarantee they are caring. These children had love from their natural parents. And, natural parents have the potential to be responsible, and adopters have the potential to be irresponsible.

If we blend of our current legal definition and our values-based definition, we get a simple child-centered "best interests of the child" definition of adoption that does not marginalize the other parties in the adoption process.

Except that it does marginalize the mother, and best interest implies staying with the mother. However, agencies usually use her love for her child as a means to guide her into thinking the child deserves better than what the mother and father can provide.

Updating our language allows us to more accurately communicate the many positive changes that have taken place in adoption practices in recent years. If we stick to our one-sentence, child-centered definition as well as to the basic legal definition, absolutely none of the complications associated with adoption today are logical and obligatory consequences of that definition. "Adoption is providing the child with caring and competent and responsible parent(s)."

Adoption is an attempt to sever the tie between a child and his/her parents, legally, emotionally, for all of time.

Best Interest of Child

The highest goal of adoption is to promote what is in the child’s best interest. That is why adoption practices must be child-centered and always viewed as a means of promoting what is in the best interests of children.

What do we mean by "best interests of the child"?

* Children need a family with whom they can bond.
* Children need love and daily guidance that requires time, commitment, and maturity.
* Adoption is one way to meet the fundamental needs of those children in need of a family — a family who is fully ready and able to accept responsibility.

That's why we can say that adoption is in the best interests of the child: Adoption provides the child with caring, competent and responsible parent(s).

Family preservation has become central in the family court system with the exception to adoption. It is stated, that so long as abuse and neglect do not occur (and even in some instances where it does), a child's place is best served with their natural parents. In reading about attachment, bond is something completely different. Bonding happens on a biological level between parents and the child, because of the biological connection. Bonding occurs as a result of pregnancy, birth, and delivery. The adopters did not perform in these duties, so the greatest they can achieve is an attachment due first to dependency that the child experiences.

It is also stated that even teen mothers can adapt to change, grow and mature, and be the best parents to their child.

Most parents are scared about accepting responsibility, even adopters can be nervous. It is natural to not want to fail. But, these children do have parents who love them, and they aren't in Need of a family. The adopters, however, feel like they need a child.

All natural parents have the ability to bond, love, provide for, be smart (there's that implication again) and get the help they need to raise a child.

p>Good for the BirthMother
In a general sense, most admire adoption and believe it's a good institution for children and families.

Interestingly, this general statement doesn't even say that "these people" know anything about adoption from a personal perspective.

What has changed in recent decades is questioning the idea that adoption is a good choice for the birthmother.

Because, that's what needs to happen, for mothers to assume they are birthmothers, and to place children for adoption in order to meet the demands of children for infertile couples in this multi billion dollar industry.

However, compared with unmarried mothers who parent their children, unmarried teens who place their children for adoption generally:

* Are more likely to finish school and attain a higher level of education;
* Attain better employment, earning more than twice the per capita income and achieving greater financial stability;
* Are less likely to experience another unintended pregnancy;
* Are more likely to marry in the future, and when they do, are more likely to delay marriage to an older age; and
* report a high level of satisfaction with their decision for adoption. (Donnelly and Voydanoff, 1996; Bachrach, 1992; Kalmuss, et al., 1992; McLaughlin, Manninen, and Winges, 1998; Stolley, 1993)

Here is a report that states a completely different story.
Adolescent Pregnancy & Childbearing in Relation to Infant Adoption The gist? Less and less teens are placing their children for adoption.

In contrast, teens who choose to parent their children face a large number of challenges from social, financial and emotional perspectives:
* Unmarried mothers who parent their children are more likely to repeat an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, are more likely to remain single and to have children who experience out-of-wedlock pregnancy. (GAO report, 1998)

I would challenge this theory, as women who have had abortions and adoptions will tend to have a repeat crises pregnancy, but the statistics of parenting mothers to have another pregnancy I could not verify elsewhere.

* Unmarried mothers who parent their children are more likely to have serious employment and financial problems. (Children's Defense Fund)
* Only 20 percent of unmarried mothers receive child support from the child's father. (Whitehead, 1993)

Different stories, teen parenting reduces delinquincyAdoption Facts

In addition, many women who surrender their children to adoption also face many challenges from social, financial and emotional perspectives:
* Women who surrender children for adoption are more likely to have another crises pregnancy, or become infertile
* Women who surrender children for adoption are more likely to have serious employment and financial problems as they have difficulty with moving on, having depression especially around their child's birthday and Mother's Day, and their lives are taken over by thoughts of their child
* Women who surrender children have to face social stigmas of placing children for adoption, being judged for being selfish for letting go of the responsibility of raising a child.
* For those in open adoptions, women tend to have roller coaster rides, waiting for pictures, waiting for visits, and become depressed afterwards (though it is always better to visit child whenever possible), and it is difficult to ask for more than what the adopters give, because she runs the risk of them taking everything away.

Adoption is a Good Choice for Children
Research has shown that adoption is also a good choice for children.

In 1994, the Search Institute completed a study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health comparing adopted teens to other teens. The Search Institute Study is the largest study to date on adoption. Results included:

* Adopted adolescents scored higher on indicators of well-being.
* Adopted adolescents scored lower on indicators of certain high risk behaviors.
* Adopted adolescents show no significant difference in perception of similarities between themselves and adoptive parents when compared with their non-adopted siblings.
* Feelings of emotional attachment were high for all adoptive families regardless of the time of placement; the younger the child at placement, the higher the feelings of attachment.
* Children adopted trans-racially showed no differences in terms of identity formation and self-esteem, attachment to parents, or psychological health.

The results of this study reflect results of earlier studies.

First, let's make it clear, no infant or child has said, please give me away even though you didn't do anything wrong. I just want to be raised by strangers. Persons adopted are the ones who have the least amount of say in the adoption. It is never their choice. Most of them can't even speak yet.
* The number of Adoptees in the adolescent and young-adult clinics and residential treatment centers is strikingly high. Doctors from the Yale Psychiatric Institute and other hospitals that take very sick adolescents have told me they are discovering that from one-quarter to one-third of the patients are adopted. (Lifton, 1988, p.45)
* Rachel says that families are a hall of mirrors, “Everyone but adoptees can look in and see themselves reflected. I didn’t know what it was like to be me. I felt like someone who looks into a mirror and sees no reflection. I felt lonely, not connected to anything, floating, like a ghost.” (Lifton, 1994, p. 68)
* A great many of these young people are in serious trouble with the law and are drug addicted. The girls show an added history of nymphomania and out-of- wedlock pregnancy, almost as if they were acting out the role of the “whore” mother. In fact, both sexes are experimenting with a series of identities that seem to be related to their fantasies about the biological parents. (Lifton, 1988, p. 45)
* Many doctors and psychologists now understand that bonding doesn’t begin at birth, but is a continuum of physiological, psychological, and spiritual events which begin in utero and continue throughout the postnatal bonding period. When this natural evolution is interrupted by a postnatal separation from the biological mother, the resultant experience of abandonment and loss is indelibly imprinted upon the unconscious minds of these children, causing that which I call the “primal wound.” (Verrier, 1993, p. 1)
* That day that I discovered Mary's three matted dredlocks, my heart hardens against the years of love my parents have provided... Why didn't you take care of her?! Why didn't you comb her hair?...Then I went away to school and left my mother to carry the torch. She droped it without knowing what it was. (The Outsiders Within: Writing on Transracial Adoption, Edited by Jane Jeong Trenka, Julia Chinyere Oparah, and Sun Yung Shin, p. 29)

Required Reading: Key Points in Research for more In-depth Information on study results.

Video of Good for BirthMother, good for child, unavailable.

Barriers to Adoption

Adoption has been proven to be a good choice for both birthparents and children. However, studies indicate that pregnant clients rarely choose adoption or even give it serious consideration.

What are the barriers that keep more women from considering the adoption option? First, let's examine the barriers that pregnant clients may raise to the issue of adoption. Then we will identify possible responses to those barriers.

If people really cared about these women and their children, they wouldn't be trying to talk them out of something they've decided to do. This is an example of taking these women's words, their examples, and using them against them. This is pure Manipulation. There is no suggestion of helping these women where they are at, it's about getting them to doubt themselves, to second guess their own abilities to parent, to make them see a problem where there really isn't one. They are "contradicting" the womens' experiences.
Barrier of Regret

The client feels or is being told that she will regret making an adoption plan for the rest of her life. Barrier of Family and Cultural Pressure

The client is under enormous pressure to parent because of family or cultural beliefs, even though she may not believe it is the best option for her.

Watch this sample role-play of how one counselor handled cultural issues. (Insert cultural vignette) - Unavailable

Required Reading: Cultural Considerations

Barrier of Guilt and Abandonment

The client cannot seem to overcome her feelings of guilt and shame; she truly believes that creating an adoption plan means she will be abandoning her child.

Barrier of Religion

The client is under pressure to parent because of religious beliefs – her own and/or her family's – that may support the concept that it is the birthmother's duty and obligation to parent no matter what or promotes the idea that adoption is not in the best interests of the child, even if the birthmother is not in a position to parent, or is not capable of parenting.

Barrier of "Parenting is Bliss"

The client has unrealistic expectations of what it means to be a parent, is likely ignorant of the huge responsibilities involved, and often believes (and is often being told) that she will receive all the help and support she needs to raise a child and meet her life goals.

Barrier of Collusion

Neither the counselor nor the client raises the option of adoption. Counselors say they don't raise the option because they think clients are not interested. Clients say they don't consider adoption because they receive no information or inaccurate information on adoption.

Required Reading: Mech Adoption Inventory Results

Barriers to Adoption

Select from the options in left-hand panel to hear what counselors have to say about each barrier to adoption. - Unavailable

What Do I Say to a Client Who Says? Now that you understand some of the most common barriers to adoption, let's explore how to address them. It's important to respond to common concerns in a non-directive manner with a client.
Or, how to contradict them, and use manipulation of word games

Review these potential client concerns on the left. Ask yourself:
* What barrier the client is facing?
* What questions might I ask the client to help her fully explore her situation and options?

Then check our sample responses.

Required Reading: What Do I Say to a Client Who Says?

I could never give my baby away

* Giving away a child would be very difficult. Why do you feel like adoption means you are giving your child away?
* Adoption can be a courageous and unselfish decision because you are putting the child above yourself.
* With adoption, you are making a plan for the child's future, not abandoning or giving away the child.

Typically what is going on is that a mother doesn't want to abandon her baby. She wants to raise her child. She wants to be their mother. By "relinquishing" their rights, it is abandonning their role, rights, and responsibilities to their child. You can color it pink, but underneath, it is still giving up.

* "Why do you feel like adoption means..." APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Because it is.

* Courageous and unselfish? Well, let's explore courageous. Have you told the mother that they may suffer for the rest of their lives? That they will experience depression around holidays, especially mother's day and their child's birthday for the rest of their lives? Did you tell them that no openness is enforceable, and she is not even entitled to know if her child dies after adoption? Did you tell her of all the anguish and turmoil, and PTSD she will experience for the rest of her life? Then it's not courageous, because courageous means that she has been informed of all of the consequences of adoption. Courage is knowing full well the outcomes, and doing it anyway.

* Plan for child's future? Wrong. The mother is picking out other people to raise her child so that THEY can make every decision of clothing, religion, diaper, food, school, place to live, morals, ethics, and everything else. The adopters are then the ones who are given the responsibility for planning, not the Mother. The mother is giving up her rights. The only thing she is choosing, is who will be raising her child, not how, where, or any other decision.

"I can be a single parent."

* Were you raised in a single parent household? What are the pros and cons?
* How would single parenting affect your future goals?
* How can single parenting affect the child?

The first problem, is the idea that anyone knows the future about anything. There is no guarantee that just because the adopters are married, means they will stay that way. They do get divorced. They do separate. Often times they think adopting will save their marriage, but it does not. Therefore, the pros and cons are irrelevant.

Okay, yes, being a single parent intereferes with life. People can adjust. There are billions of single parents out there. They make new goals, with their children included.

Great way to make it look like the agency cares about the child. Any single mom's parenting will affect the child in different ways. Ask the billions of children out their with single parents. Yes, single parenting is difficult. So is losing a child to adoption.

"What if my baby ends up in a bad home, like the ones I see on TV?"

* Did you know that many famous and successful people are adopted: Faith Hill, Reese Witherspoon, and Ray Liotta?
* Adoptive parents are closely evaluated and educated during the home study process.
* Did you know that you can choose the family who will parent your child? This will allow you to see what the child's home will be like.

Funny you didn't mention Daryl McDaniels and Sarah McGloughlin. They were adopted, too, and speak out against secrecy and closed records. They have both been reunited with their natural parents, and both have stated they felt a piece of them was missing. (Daryl McDaniels was a late discovery adoptee.)

During the home study process. That's great. And, then, they are left on their own after that. Many kids who are raised by adopters end up abused. You can't know by the current home studies. After all, these home studies are through the adoption agencies. Yup, the same agencies they are paying tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars to. And, then the agency does a quick short home study, and they get approved.

Problem with picking and choosing the family, is that it's like a resume. You know how when you write up a resume, you don't include things like, the employer who fired you last summer? That job that didn't work out so well? That manager that did x,y,z? Well, they aren't going to tell you the bad stuff either. Sometimes, in fact, they even change their names and don't include their real homes. Sometimes, they move. Sometimes, they are completely vague, or just make up a story. Yes, it happens. And, pictures of a real or pretend home doesn't really give any indication of what the child's life will be like.

"My family and friends don't want me to make an adoption plan."

* What are the concerns of your family and friends?
* Do you agree with their concerns?
* I could give you information that may help them understand why you are considering this option. Would you like to review it?
* Will your family and friends help you care for the child for the next 18 years? Why or why not?

Well, if family and friends don't want you to make an adoption plan, it's likely that they would be willing to help out. That's good. Use that support.

Giving information.... It's great that the agency is already speaking on your behalf. "information that may help them understand why you are considering this option." And, then they would let you review it. Well, guess what, this is an attempt for them to use this propaganda to Contradict those concerns.

For the next 18 years? Well, it's likely that friends do move on sometimes. And, families can go through things on and off. But, really, for single parents, it's just the first couple years that are crucial for getting help. After that, it does get easier. There is school, and friend's houses, and babysitters. It's not like the family and friends have to be there 24/7/18.

"I am hoping to have a relationship with the father of the baby."

* What is the status of the relationship?
* Has he been helpful to you during your pregnancy?
* Does he have other children? Does he have a relationship with those children?
* Do you have plans to get married?

The reason that they ask the status, is because "hoping" is a dead give away. They are attempting to play on all negative possibilities. If you're not in a good relationship now, then they can play it out as though he is unreliable.

If he is in the picture... depending on how far along you are in the pregnancy, he may not have had an opportunity to be involved. He may be confused about it all. Men go through many emotions about future, goals, what it means to be a father. He may not be supportive at all cause he's a jerk, or he may be unsupportive because he's processing his own emotions. It doesn't mean he won't be in the future, and it certainly doesn't mean that you have to place your child for adoption. Many single parents out there raising their child without any support from the father.

Marriage. People don't just get married because they are pregnant. Some do, some do. But, many don't, because having a child and getting married are two separate experiences. Yes a child means forever, but people need to be able to make a committment to each other, not just the child in order to have a healthy marriage.

"I want someone to love me and I want someone to love."

* Love is important; however, what else do you need to be a single parent?
* Can you share with me how you plan to meet the emotional and social needs of this child?
* Let's start with your need for love. What can you do to meet that need? Can a child satisfy that need?

Instead of addressing the need of love, the person is redirecting the conversation to being a single parent. Why? Because if they start addressing the underlying statement, they would need to address self-esteem, and they don't want to help anyone's self esteem, because low self-esteem (even if its short term) is what leads women to sign forms giving up their rights. They've lost confidence in themselves. They don't feel they can do it. They feel someone else could raise their child... even if they think this for five minutes, its enough time to sign papers. A Mother's Love is the most important thing to a baby. They don't care about all the toys, the gadgets, etc, especially in the first few years of their life.

This second question is absolutely funny. Because, how do you love someone? Can you make a plan of it? You love a child. You are emotionally present for the child. That's how you meet their emotional needs of you. Social? You let them interact with other safe people, like family, friends, and people their own age. However, if the mom has low self esteem and think about how they may have felt unloved as a child, they may question their abilities. But, I assure you, love is natural. You just gotta let it.

Again, redirecting the question. The statement/question should be, What can you do to improve your self esteem? How can you improve your love for yourself? Explore self love options.

"My child will hate me."

* Why do you think your child would hate you?
* What could you do to make sure your child would know how much you care about and love him?
* What would be your reasons for choosing adoption? Do you feel these things show that you hate your child? What if your child could know the reasons you chose adoption?

This particular quote haunts me, because as it stands in my own situation, my daughter does hate me.

This statement also stems off the "abandonning" question. Why? Because I abandonned them. Because if I give them away, then I can't show them I love them.

This is an interesting question, because my response (now, of course) would be, to keep her. And raise her, and respect her, and do the best I can. However, by this time, women are geared to be in the "planning" for their child's future. All of the things that money can buy. But love never needs those things. But, if a woman is so broken down at this point, well, they will think of good future, college, etc etc.

And, the final kicker. Reasons for choosing adoption? Cause I don't have any other choice. Once self esteem is crushed, and any sense of being able to take care of the child are smashed. Any supports are thwarted, what is left but adoption? But, the thing is, it's only a mind game. The mind game ends when you stop talking to the social worker/agency/adopters. No person could say that the reasons for thinking of how to love your child and look out for their interests are a lack of love. But, then again, how would the child know your reasons? Because, you can't know you will have contact afterwards. You could write up a note and say them, but he may never even know he is adopted.

"If I give my baby away, it would hurt too much and I would always regret it"

* Would you like to talk to someone who made an adoption plan for her child?
* Do you think that adoption is the only option that is difficult? Do you think there may be consequences and difficult emotions to all of your options?
* Just because something hurts does not actually mean it is not the right thing to do. Can you think of an experience in your life when this was true?

The dangerous part about this, is that they will pick out a woman who the agency approves of. Of someone who maybe has an open adoption and has visits. They won't let someone (like me) whose adoption didn't work out like they said to speak to you. And, usually, it is within the first couple of years, for those who have semi open adoptions, they're adoptions may still close completely. That usually happens within the first three to five years.

Case Studies
Review the following case studies. Write out on a piece of paper how you would respond to each case study.
Then listen to the counselors to hear how they might respond to each case study and compare your responses with theirs.
You can also refer to your copy of What Do I Say to a Client Who Says...? for future reference.

Jennifer - Barrier of Regret

Client believes she will regret her decision.
Jennifer is 16 years old, 4 months pregnant and lives with her parents who will support either adoption or parenting. In counseling and discussing options with her, it is clear she is using critical thinking skills and is leaning toward adoption.

But it seems that everyone who finds out she is considering adoption tells her she will regret her decision, including her best friend who is her age and is already parenting a child. She is always saying to her, "How can you carry a child and then give the child to strangers? You'll never have peace about adoption."

Respond to the following:
How can you help counter her concerns?
What would you say?

What would you say? Would you help her, give her support? She has a friend who has a child, there is an opportunity for meeting the child's social needs.

She has the following support: Friend with child, parents will support, can finish school, maybe go to college, make / continue goals.

Stacey - Barrier of Family and Cultural Pressure
This client is under enormous pressure to parent.
Stacey believes she cannot make an adoption plan because her family is threatening to disown her, and her friends become mad when she even mentions the subject of adoption. However, she really wants to make an adoption plan.

She is a 20-year-old African American college student who lives away from home. She told her mother of her pregnancy over the Christmas holidays. Her baby is due during the Spring break, and she thinks she will not even miss any classes. Adoption will allow her to finish college and pursue graduate school. The birth father is her only support system, but they are no longer dating.

Stacey is now one month from delivery and she has remained firm about adoption, but her mother is emotionally blackmailing her to parent. She is fearful that she will cave in to her mother and parent just to keep peace.

Respond to the following:

How can you help her?
Use critical thinking skills and help her stay away from being the victim.

See below about the "Victim" issues... So, one thing they can do, is fly her to another state and provide housing, food, medical care, and whatever else she may need. Then, if she attempts to try to change her mind, she'll be screwed cause they'll attempt to make her pay her housing rents, food, medical care and whatever else they provided. At this point, she would be aleinated from her parents, have no social support, and literally will become the victim.

It is quite unlikely that a family will blackmail their child to parent. They are more likely to blackmail to have an abortion or to do adoption.

Dawn - Barrier of Religion
The client is receiving pressure from her member of her church family to parent.
Dawn is 17-year-old Hispanic teen, and she is 7 months pregnant. She and her boyfriend, John, go to the same church. She will be a senior next year and wants to go to college.

Dawn and her family believe adoption is the right choice. Her church family, however, is divided. Some think she ought to parent, and others think adoption is a good choice.

John is very wishy-washy about adoption. Sometimes he thinks it is a good choice since he knows he is not ready to be a father. His Mother, however, wants to raise the child herself. Dawn says that is not an option.

Their youth minister and his wife faced a similar position 15 years ago and got married. This happened before they were Christians, and their first years of marriage were filled with conflict. They have advised them to get married for the sake of the child.

Their church family is not really helping by taking sides and giving unwarranted input.
Dawn really does not want to parent.
Respond to the following:
How can you help her?
What can you say to help her deal with advice from her church family?
Video (Counselors respond to each party) - Unavailable

It is never easy when many sides are giving advice, and no one is helping. It's hard to feel like the father is ambivalent, the church is up in confusion, and her family is pressuring her to do adoption.

It's funny, because it seems like in all of these role playing games, the person really does want to do adoption, they just need to be CONVINCED of it. Change their words around, throw additional stressors, and they will likely just give up, because they can't take all of the bickering, pressuring, coercing, fighting. Too much stress for Dawn. These manipulative tactics, they go on and on, and would be too much for anyone.

Overview of the Legal Process
While no one expects you to become an expert in adoption, as an information resource, it makes sense that you understand the basics of the legal and procedural aspects of the adoption process. Only an attorney should give legal advice to a client.

No one can offer legal advice, this is their disclaimer.

Adoption is the legal equivalent of biological parenthood, and adoption itself is a legal process -- the permanent legal transfer of all parental rights and obligations for a child from one person or couple to another person or couple.

Adoption is not a legal equivalent of biological parenthood. And, nothing is permanent.

Adoption is a legal transfer of rights and responsibilities from the parents to another person or couple. Adoption can never be equated to biological equivalency. Even with Amended birth certificates. No amount of legal transfer can give a child their genetic history.

The rights of the biological parent(s), aka birthparents, need to be terminated, either voluntarily or involuntarily, and the adoptive parents to whom the rights will transfer must be qualified to adopt.

This is true.

All states, the District of Columbia, and the U.S. territories of Guam, Puerto Rico, American Samoa, the Northern Mariana Islands, and the Virgin Islands have specific laws on adoption eligibility, necessary legal steps for adoption, and rules regarding confidentiality. While similar in approach, the fine points of law differ dramatically from state to state.

This is why no open adoption is legally enforceable. It's because if the adopters go to another state, province, or country, then that state, province or country can not enforce the other state's laws. Currently, there are no national or federal laws to protect natural parents, adoptees, or open adoptions.

Select a topic from the panel on the left for more specific legal information.
Download and review the four required readings for a more in-depth understanding of adoption laws and processes:
-Glossary of Adoption Terms
-Adoption Law 101
-The Legal Aspects of Adoption
-Outline of the Adoption Process

Adoption and Foster Care
Adoption and foster care are different.

One of the main differences is that adoption is based on the voluntary and permanent relinquishment of the child, while foster care is often based on the involuntary and temporary relinquishment of a child who is a victim of abuse or neglect.

Foster Care is the removal of a child from their parents. They are then either placed with foster care parents or in a group home. They typically move from home to home. Parents are provided with a menu to complete from the courts. While their rights are temporarily terminated, sometimes they are permanently terminated. The words in the system are to "free the child for adoption", however, typically these children are urged to be like dolls on display, in order to be "good enough" to adopt. Since most people who adopt children want blank slated infants, these children waste away in foster care until they age out of the system, never having a stable family, unless their families are provided with the supports they need to get their child back.

In adoption, the parents give up their rights to the child, thereby placing the rights temporarily to the agency who does the home study (before the adoption, usually in the beginning process of the application for adoption). Then, once the court assigns the adopters as the people legally and otherwise responsible for the child, the agency gives over the child. Sometimes, what they do not tell the parents, is that they will actually place the child in foster care prior to the court date.

Who May Adopt?

Requirements to adopt include, but are not limited to age, good health, no criminal history, financial security, personal references, and the completion of a home study.

Who May be Adopted?

Every state in the U.S. allows for the adoption of eligible children. Some states require the child be under 18; other states allow parties to petition the court for the adoption of persons over age 18, but under 21; and the majority of states allow the adoption of any person, regardless of age.

For up-to-date information on adoption laws in your state, please go to www.InfantAdopt.org

Who May Place for Adoption?

Children may be placed for adoption by: adoption agencies, attorneys, and facilitators. Adoption agencies and attorneys are licensed on the state level. Facilitators are not generally licensed. Adoption agencies typically provide the most care and protection for the birthparents, offering both pre- and post-adoption counseling, which is confidential and free of charge.

Well, free to the natural parents, because the adopters are footing the cost of the bill, thereby serving their interests. Agencies do not represent the parents, they represent the adopters. They are looking to find "product" (your child) for their clients, the adopters. The agencies do not have any care or protection for natural parents. They are in fact, typically adopters themselves.

Most lawyers will become licensed in multiple states, typically so that they can lure parents who have better laws into states with worse laws.

Open records

Persons who were adopted may be able to obtain some information about their adoption under existing law. However, some wish to obtain more information to which they are not legally entitled at this time. Advocacy and support groups have been established to assist individuals in their efforts to locate information by opening confidential records. A method for exchanging information among the parties to an adoption is through Mutual Consent Registries. Those who wish information can register with the state. The other parties to the adoption are notified and information is shared only if there is mutual consent.

All current mutual registries are maintained by volunteers. Most states at this time do not allow for any information to be exchanged. Check the state laws for current record access.

Also keep in mind, that NCFA, the agency that runs the Infant Adoption Training, also violently opposes open records. Also keep in mind, that the person adopted does not even need to be notified that they are adopted, and may therefore never search. When persons adopted attempt to get thier information, they are typically met with guilt and walls and restrictions in terms of how much information they are allowed. Sometimes it is nothing at all, sometimes non identifying information (such as date of birth, religion, height) and most rarely, a name.

No mother I've ever met had been promised confidentiality. In fact, they wanted their child to contact them. Nowadays, some were even promised open adoptions. Even still, these persons adopted still meet with challenges in getting their own information, original birth certificate, or information about their own family.

Confidential, Semi-Open and Open Adoption

Adoption can be a confidential process, where only non-identifying medical and social information about the birthparents is provided to the adoptive family through the agency.

Semi-open adoption typically means that non-identifying information and ongoing letters and pictures are shared between the birthparents and the adoptive family. This information is shared through the adoption agency.

"Open adoption" typically means that there is continuing contact or on-going physical contact between the birthparents and the adoptive family.

And, sometimes, people say "open adoption" when they mean "semi open adoption". And, remember, that open adoption is not legally enforceable in any state.


Costs to an adoptive family for an adoption must be based on the services provided to complete an adoption, such as maternity-related medical, hospital costs, temporary living arrangements for the mother, counseling services, and legal fees. These fees can vary.

Actually, most women who are pregnant qualify for assistance such as an equivalent to Medicaid, food stamps, and WIC. Oftentimes, agencies will state they are paying these costs, and charge the adopters even though it is covered by the state.

BUYER BEWARE: If any mother accepts monies for living costs, etc, if they attempt to change their minds, they will be threatened with a bill, and blackmail will be attempted, don't fall for it. They can take you to court for the costs, but you will likely not be able to get your child back without a lengthy legal battle quadruple the size of the bills if you sign relinquishment papers.

Nearly all states have statutes, regarding adoption fees. Excessive costs can be considered as "baby selling" that is illegal. Adoptive families are not paying for the child; they are paying for the cost of maternity-related services provided to the birthparents. Tax credits are available for adoption costs.

Correction, they are paying for the baby. The adopters will not be able to use the maternity clothes themselves. Will not be eating the food. Will not be living with the mother. They are providing money in exchange for the child. If the mother attempts to say no to adoption, they will find these were NOT unconditional gifts. Therefore, this is baby buying.

The Importance of Good Communications

Good communications with a pregnant client are key to a positive outcome and a client's ability to make a fully informed decision.

Some important communications concepts we need to consider when counseling:
* Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Always Good Advice.

Don't take understanding for granted. Make sure that you and the client are on the same page.
* "Let me make sure that I understand the question that you asked me."

What they mean to say is... "Let me re-word (USING POSITIVE ADOPTION LANGUAGE) and say it back to you, so you think I really give a shit about what you just said."

Be careful not to speak to your client using language that is too figurative or too generational. Try to use language that matches their age, education and culture.
* Be aware of body language and slang.

Make them feel like you're a Hipster. Yo.

Always be conscious of the client's physical reaction to your language and take the time to clarify meaning.
* Take the time to really listen.

You won't get the prey if you aren't alert like a predator.

It is very important to test whether the client is clear about our messages.

Make sure that she is really feeling insecure, hopeless and desperate, and that adoption is her only real choice.

Accurate Adoption Language

There has been a lot of emphasis in the adoption field about positive adoption language. There is nothing wrong with using positive words; however, the problem with discussing "positive adoption language" implies right away that there is something negative about adoption and that it needs dressing up in order to make it more palatable.

Remember, you have to be particular when it comes to Brainwashing the public. You must think for them. And, don't give them anything to nibble on, or their brains might start seeing through all this BS.
An underlying assumption to this program is that adoption in and of itself, when done for the right reasons, is positive and therefore does not need to be “spun” with positive language.
At least for our pocket books, if for no one else.

We believe that it is important to discuss adoption using accurate language. Accurate language will then transmit the positive nature of adoption. It is possible that by trying to make everything relate to everything else in a “positive” way at the expense of joining language and adoption values, some options counselors have actually made things worse — and grossly overcomplicated something that is certainly emotionally complex, but conceptually simple?

There is absolutely NOTHING nature-al about adoption. You don't tell people adoption is positive. You must infer it in between our pocketbooks the lines. See how we just said a bunch of crap not to do, but by throwing a whole lot of other crap in a sentence that kinda makes it not make any sense, we ended up doing exactly what we said they shouldn't do. We are altering language to form into our particular oppressional intentions and they just didn't do it the right way, making it harder for us, so, we have to redo the whole thing and poo poo their idea in order to create some distance of what they did and what we are doing, even though it is the same thing.

A very important aspect of accurate adoption language is that it helps create the proper perspective for a pregnant client, which the following examples clearly illustrate!

Proper perspective to get her to do exactly what we want, and get her away from what she wants. BRAINWASHING.

"I chose not to be a parent" versus "I gave my baby away"
"I chose to be a parent" versus "I wanted a child"
"She chose not to be a parent" versus "She gave ME away!"
Also, by her using our words to define the process taking place [READ BY THE VICTIM USING THE OPPRESSORS' WORDS AND BELIEFS] she actually becomes a propagandist for adoption and can recruit others to the trap.

Accurate adoption language can stop the spread of misconceptions. By using accurate language, we educate others about adoption.

By making the public more accepting to adoption, we can add to the systemic oppression of adoption by continuously bombarding young pregnant women with fantasy adoption instead of real adoption.

Required Reading:
-Adoption Language

Turning Inaccurate Language into More Accurate Language
We've covered inaccurate adoption language in theory; now let's take a look at it in action.

In this brief roleplay video, a "client" and a "counselor" are having a conversation about her pregnancy and the adoption option.

Listen for instances of inaccurate language, and note how easily the parties continue using inaccurate phrases once the dialogue begins and the path is set. - Unavailable

The Interview
It's important to recognize inaccurate language, and to know how to correct it. Just by using accurate adoption language, we may steer clients and others to follow suit.

Select the individual statements on the left to compare what was said in the role-play with what would have been more appropriate. Statement 1 - Client

What the "client" said: "I really don't have an opinion if I want to keep this baby or put it up for adoption."

Analysis: The term "putting up" for adoption is outdated and negative. It refers to the last century when orphan trains were prevalent, and young orphans were literally "put up" on the train platforms so potential adoptive families could seem them. What were really talking about here is making an adoption plan.

What should have been said: A more accurate description would have been, “I really do not know if I want to parent the baby or make an adoption plan."

You know, because it's all about Planning for the future of the baby. One single decision, and the plan is set in stone.

More accurate: I don't know if I want to parent my baby or give up my rights forever to their care and well-being.

Statement 2 - Counselor

What the "counselor" said: "Your dad wants to keep the child; your mom wants you to put the child up for adoption. Do you have a leaning, one way or the other? It is a hard decision to think about putting the baby up for adoption."

Analysis: We’re hearing the phrase keep the child, which sounds like we’re talking about possessing an object instead of accepting responsibility for raising a child.

Better response: "Your Dad wants a member of this family to parent this child; your Mom wants you to make an adoption plan. Do you have a leaning, one way or the other? You have a difficult decision to make."

Make a plan.... make a plan... You have all the control right now, why not give it all up?

Your father is supports you with raising the child, but your mother doesn't. How do you feel? Do you think your mom just needs time to come around?

All this talk about making an adoption plan sounds more like dealing with a heartless non-human. Give your baby away to strangers, don't think about how your baby will feel amongst strangers after his first experiences in a lonely world.

Statement 3 - Client

What the "client" said: "I'm leaning towards putting the baby up for adoption, but I think it will be hard to put the baby up for adoption, once we see the baby."

Analysis: Once again, the use of “putting up for adoption” or the equally negative “giving away”, isn’t accurate enough and really leads to misconceptions of what is being considered. What we need to talk about is making an adoption plan.

Better response: "I am leaning toward making an adoption plan for the baby, although I think it will be hard for me to make an adoption plan after we see the baby."

I'm leaning towards giving up all my rights to my baby, but I think it will be hard once I see the baby, cause I will bond with him/her.

With this ambivalence, it's likely that she needs some CONVINCING that she is doing the right thing and is a good person. You're making a plan. How courageous, smart, brave and a superstar you are. Giving up your rights and responsibilities.

Statement 4 - Client

What the "client" said: "It's not like a dog or something; if you need to give it away you can just go and get another one. Things will change if we decide to keep it."

Analysis: It's important when discussing adoption to understand and acknowledge that a child is never "property", and we need to stress that adoption is permanent.

Better response: "It's not like some piece of property that you can give away. And, then you can just go and get another one. Things will change if I decide to make an adoption plan for the baby. It is a permanent decision."

There is a constant insistance that it is "the baby" and not "my baby". While a child is not property, they do have a need to belong. They don't fit with strangers. They belong with their natural family.

Statement 5 - Counselor

What the "counselor" said: "Are you going to feel like, I’ve abandoned this child, I've done a bad thing here, putting it up for adoption."

Analysis: The interviewer would have been doing his client a service had he said: “Are you going to feel like you have done a bad thing?” Remember that making an adoption plan for the baby is not abandonment.

Abandonment: Leaving. Letting Go. Adoption IS abandonment. Adoption means to abandon rights and responsibilities. It means to abandon a child to strangers. Adoption=Abandonment.

Background on Adoption: Being A Parent
Being a Parent
What is a Parent?

Parenting is a choice and a commitment to provide a stable, loving and permanent environment for a child. While the term "parent" sometimes describes a mere biological relationship, parenting is a role that is chosen by an individual who may or may not be biologically related to the child to provide a stable, loving and permanent environment for a child. Parenting requires a commitment and an on-going relationship to the child. Since a client's most basic decision is going to be "To parent or not to parent", it's critical that she fully understand the role of the parent and the responsibilities that come with that. And as counselors, it is our job to prepare her to make that decision a fully informed one.

In other words, rather than preparing and helping her in the parenting role, start out by overwhelming her, and making her feel like she can never do it, and then she will hand over the job to the adopters.

After all, adopters have been preparing to be "parents" for five, ten or more years.

Don't remember that most people who start off as parents didn't plan it. It's a committment, whether you choose to parent or to surrender the child to strangers.

Really, this is a way to make the adopters feel superior to the pregnant woman.

Role of Parents
To hear about the role of parents from different perspectives, select from among the video choices in the left-hand panel.

(VIDEO) - Unavailable

If Parenting Was a Job
One of the tools we use to help clients understand the breadth and depth of parenting is a handout called: If Parents were Hired?

If you could be paid to raise your own child, would you do it?

We have a client create a job description for parents, and then we provide a description to them that most often ends up supplementing their list with responsibilities that may not have occurred to them.
In other words, we overwhelm them. After all, adopters have been preparing to be parents for five, ten or more years. Act like everything needs to be thought out, 20 years ahead of time. Ask questions ranging from How are you going to pay for day care to What college do you plan on sending the child to?

Take a few minutes to create your own job description on a sheet of paper, using the following categories:

Time requirements
Then compare your answers with the answers in each category to the left.

  • Daily physical care of the child. This care may change at various stages.

  • At all ages this care will include providing:
  • Well-balanced, nutritional meals and assurance that the child eats sufficiently to meet his/her growth needs.
  • Clothing and footwear appropriate for the season and occasion.
  • Shelter that is safe and comfortable.
  • Medical care: preventive with annual check-ups and immunizations; responsive when the child is sick.
  • Assurance that the child is receiving sufficient sleep to remain healthy and responsive.
  • Toileting issues in infancy and toddlerhood. (Frequent, responsive diapering until the child is toilet trained. Assistance and support until toilet training is mastered).
  • Nurturing responsibilities include encouragement, comforting, consistency, establishment of a sense of security, dependability, playing, counseling, and loving.
  • Discipline issues include understanding and setting appropriate limits for age, consistency of expectations and responses, self-management of anger, being a good example.
  • Education issues include providing a traditional education
  • It's insane that people actually are planning all of this out, and they don't even have children. They aren't even pregnant. That's insane.

    When it's late summer, that's a good time to start thinking about fall. Yes, you can plan ahead of time, but planning too far in advance is called anxiety or too much time on your hands.

    In addition, people can get help. They can take parenting classes, some have families or friends, WIC, Food stamps, Medicaid, it doesn't take all that much to get a kid into school, yes, there are changing diapers. And preparing food. There are also breaks like with having an unhealthy meal once in awhile and splurging on a restaurant. If shelter is lacking, they give preference to people with children. Ensuring the child sleeps enough? Usually people don't have to worry about this unless it becomes a problem. Emotional care, of course. And so on. Seriously.

    Time requirements
  • 24 hours a day, seven days a week until the child can make it on his/her own
  • No vacation time
  • No sick leave
  • Time off only when a suitable substitute has been found
  • Again, the attempt to overwhelm the young mother. When spoken like this, only workaholics would consider the position. It is very effectual to strip away the holistic meaning of being a parent, and looking at it through a narrow lens that turns motherhood into a position of all work and no play, which is inaccurate and coercive.

  • Qualifications include
  • Sense of humor
  • High self-esteem
  • Selflessness
  • Emotional maturity
  • Financial security
  • Dependable support system
  • Energetic, trust in judgment
  • General understanding of the needs of children
  • Diplomatic
  • Consistent
  • Dependable
  • Loving
  • Able to make an 18+ year commitment
  • First of all, these are idealistic and not reality based. Not every parent has a sense of humor. Sure it's nice, but not a requirement. High self-esteem, selflessness, emotional maturity, financial security, all of these really are an attempt to raise up adopters, Who Have Been Trying to Claim The Role of Parents For 5, 10 or MORE YEARS. So, of course they are going to point out how adopters have all of these traits, and how a new young mother may not.

    However, if the young mother decides to keep her child, she will have a genetic tie, an intuition about her child, be able to help and guide from her own experiences, in ways that adopters simply can't.

    What Babies want:
    The scent, sound, and touch of the woman who brought them into the world
    Love from their mother
    Nourishment to give them all the nutrients that only a mother can give, because her body has prepared it uniquely for this baby
    Babies want to be held, talked to, and played with.
    Someone willing to learn about them, to get to know their needs.

  • Unconditional love of a child
  • The knowledge that you are guiding a child to become a healthy, happy, productive member of society

  • Compensation
  • Love
  • Satisfaction of a job well-done
And these benefits are small and serious. How about having the knowledge that you brought a child into the world, raised them to be the best they can, to nurture, to rise about challenges and conflicts, to watch your child win their first basketball game, hear their first words, want them take their first steps, go to school for the first time, learn, develop, and become their own person, and make you the proudest parent ever.

And, then you can sing this song, and cry and know how awesome it was that you could share everything you learned with them.

No part of this website should be considered legal advice. All information is for general use.