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Open Adoption Guidelines


Preparing for An Open Adoption

First of all, no matter how much you might prepare, and use these and any other forms of assistance with getting the open adoption plan you are looking to have, there is no guarantee that it will be how you plan it to be, or that it will even remain open. Here are some basic guidelines to help you to make it as legally enforceable as it can be.

First of all, make sure you have your own lawyer. If you are using the lawyer that represents the adopters, they will not represent your interests, plain and simple. The adopters are paying the bill, they're the ones being represented.

If they are encouraging you to go to a state with less or no revocation period, that's a bad sign.

Adoption agencies work with the lawyers. Adoption agencies also work for adopters. Again, the reason the services are free for expectant parents, is because adopters are covering the costs. Medical, housing, and other expenses are paid for by the adopters. Even if you don't have an adopter picked out, they will be billed for it, once the adoption is complete. Therefore, adoption agencies work for the adopters as well. Adopters pay thousands of dollars in order to obtain an infant. Remember, they aren't really interested in you, they are interested in your baby. They are attempting to make you feel as though they are the right people for you and your baby, because they are desperate. There is a significant demand for healthy white babies, but the supply is running low.


Meeting the adopters.

While it seems as though meeting the adopters prior to signing the relinquishment papers seems like a great way to go, it can have many drawbacks. Take this into consideration. At this time in your life, the hormones are working their way through you, and if this is your first pregnancy, most of these hormones and reactions are new to you, creating you into the perfect mother for your baby. Other things that it does, is make you vulnerable and trusting. Any person in need of help is not going to want to go into the hungry wolves den, because they will eat you for breakfast. As you get closer and closer to them, they are guaranteeing their purchase (through gifts, money, and subsequent broken promises) of your baby. The bond that is happening inside of you, and in your outside relationships will influence you and how you react and think about your relationship with the adopters, which may or may not be how they feel or think about the relationship, because remember, they are only interested in you, because you carry the object of their desire, a dream of being parents.

If you do meet the parents, you will find that you are getting closer and closer to them. Perhaps they give you their home phone number instead of a classic 1-800 number. Perhaps they introduce you to their new best friend or relatives. Maybe they invite you into their home to show you the place where your baby's room has been designed for years. They take you out to dinner, come to your obstetrician appointments, and you share the moments of bonding with your baby. They tell you you will always be a part of your child's life. They tell you that of course you can have as many visits as you want. That you are a part of their family, now.

Now, you are still pregnant. They've met the father of the baby, you know each other's relatives, they have a room designed just for your precious baby. They have shared these precious moments with you. What if you change your mind? What if you decide you want to parent your child? By attaching yourself (pre-birth) to these people, you have led them on, and you have made it very difficult to say no.

Much like that one guy that treated you to the nines on a date, who goes overboard with being nice to you, then given you glasses of wine to make you a bit tipsy and slow to react, and now he wants his return. Sex. And, maybe you've gone on several dates, but now he thinks that this is the time. You've met each others parents, but you realize, you aren't interested. You have inclinations that he had started dating you, just for this purpose, sex.

They've set you up, just like this, to get you to give them your baby.

Sex in these times are very difficult to experience as women. What I will say, is that in the situation with the man, no woman should feel pressured into having sex. There should be no payment, no expectations. If they did all that for sex, and don't respect you for saying no, then they aren't worth it. They don't love you, they have been using you all along.

Men, or adopters who respect you as a person, who don't see you as a whore, as a welfare or charity case, as a dumb young girl who got herself into trouble, will respect you even if you say no to sex. They will be patient, accept you, and wish you well with your they will only ultimately hurt you, and they will not respect your body during sex, and they will not respect your child as they grow into the person you created with your body. If they lie to you, they will lie to your child.


Things to ask for in an open adoption

  • Check to make sure that open adoptions are legally enforceable in your state
  • Check to see what you need to have filed to make it legally enforceable (examples include post placement agreement, open adoption agreement)
  • Make sure you have copies of everything, if you don't have it, get it in writing (this includes agreements from adopters about visits, phone time, relationships with other relatives and siblings, parenting styles, politics, religion, everything)
  • Make sure the above is not just out loud, but IN WRITING.
  • Make sure that any agreements the adopters have made is in real time, such as
    "You can visit with (child) once a week, from the time we adopt her until she's 18."
    "You can call once a week, but no more than that."
  • When you have the opportunity to write in minimums, such as visits and phone calls, make sure that you can live with what is written down. For example, if you think that seeing your child 1x per year is something you would do without any problems, then go for it. But, if it is too few times, go with a higher number. Usually there will not be a punishment for an inability to visit, but if you have the opportunity to do more, they can refuse them.
  • Start saving your money for another lawyer, just in case you need to take them to court to enforce the open adoption agreement.

Warning Signs that you've been Duped: